I don't even know why I'm writing this but I just have to take this all out.
Things are getting complicated for me. Emotionally. I don't know if this is just the time where I'm starting to discover things but I'm having problems with my family. I'm not trying to make myself the victim here but I can only speak for myself. I don't know. I just think they don't understand me. I know you might think that this is another teenage moments where a bratty girl whines about her parents not understanding but the thing is they don't. They think they do but they don't.
First of all, they don't know anything that is going on in my life because they don't even care about how I feel. All I want them is to be considerate and accept me for who I am and for the things that are not too obvious.
Sometimes I think it's me. I'm the wrong thing in this whole equation because the last time I checked, I was the laughing stalk at school, I'm the one who get kicked at the back, I was the one whose pants get pulled down or whose skirt pulled up, I'm the one who gets hit with a damn heavy folder/briefcase thingy on the head, I'm the one who the teachers are so fond of yelling at, I'm the girl who could be made fun of and I'm not supposed to be mad about all of that because it is done by the people I call friends.
I don't even know why I'm still hanging around or why I don't stick up for myself. I'm damaged for the reasons that are too early for me to say but I also have to deal with those shit. My parents doesn't see that. They think I'm the bad girl. I'm the wild one when I'm not doing anything wrong,
It's kinda sad because of all people, they believe all of that crap. I'm a teenage girl. I have fun but I know my limitations and they're just I don't know.I don't and won't do things that I might regret ever. I hope they try to understand and listen. No they should listen and understand. They don't know what's happening to me.
All I just wanted is to find a place to fit in and then I gave up and just went to be me but that wasn't so easy still. I get hated for fitting in and for being myself and my parents doesn't see that because they hate me too. They think I'm no good because I'm not smart like my sister and I'm not achieving as high as she is.
This is me. I want them to see that. To accept that. I don't care if other people wouldn't but I need them to do that so bad because they are a part of me and a permanent part of my life but I don't know. It seems like that is too far from possible.
I'm hated everywhere and they don't know that and see that because all they do is stand there and yell at me too. They don't listen. Sometimes they listen but they don't get it.
Every hit and humiliation, I take it all because I think they make me stronger. I think I'm stronger because I can get through them but that doesn't take away the feeling of being worthless. I just hope my friends would stop treating me bad and start being my friends and I want my family to stop judging me like I'm a different person and see me and stop isolating me.
Good thing I don't have any suicidal instinct because I wouldn't be here writing this right now if I do.
All through this, I'm barely hanging on. I'm barely holding on but I promise to myself because I don't think that there is anyone else who is going to stand up for me, I promise that I will hold on. Whatever it takes, doesn't matter how hard I'm slipping, I will hold on. As long as I can, I will keep the little dignity that I have for myself.
