Maturity

Again, I feel like he's pushing me away. Like what the hell. I don't know if it's my insecurities who does this to me but that's how I feel now and I'm also getting the feeling of letting go. I mean that I should let him go. I know that I love him and he loves me and I don't know what's keeping us two. I guess we're those kind of people with "no string attached" attitude but I do want more. I want him to just make it official. If we can't then maybe, it is time to let go and move on.

It's hard to be in this kind of situation cause at the end of the day, anyone from the both of us could just leave. Could just go on and leave the other one. Very different from the feeling of ease that you know that even though how much you fight, you know that you have each other because you're boyfriend and girlfriend. Not this kind of feeling that you gotta see each other everyday cause you are scared that any time any one of you won't be there anymore.

I think it's time to let go now. I think it's time to move on. I mean if he is not man enough to make a relationship of what we have then why should I stay. For the first time that I love you's aren't enough. I feel like it's time for me to be happy and be a big girl and move on.

One Step Forward, Three Steps Back

I don't know where we are now and what we are but I do know that we both feel the same way. The thing now is, it's complicated because he's an employee at the University that I go to and I am a student. And that is so not acceptable in the eyes of society. He's this guide in life as I like to call him. He always tells me to make the right decisions and he's always telling me that he would be happy to see me happy someday. The thing is, I also want him happy but he's too focus about making me happy to even notice.

There are times that I feel he's pushing me away and I can't help but think that he's had enough of me. Then he comes and tells me he loves me. One step forward, three steps back. That's what I like to call us. I know that he would still choose his job over me someday because one time, he told me to consider him married. We have to hide and right now, I still can but I'm scared that someday I might be fed up of hiding and I'll just go.

The setting of our relationship is so fucked and what I feel for him also is. I used to think that this is okay. What we are now is okay. No labels. But now, I want more. So much more and I don't know if he could give it to me and the large part of me tells me that he can't because I should consider him "married". The thing is, the moment I consider him that and I start to consider giving up too, he does something and I know that can't go on without him. For now, I just can't. I just fall back and do it over and over again. My friend tells me I should just let it go and let him and myself go but how can I do that when every time he makes me feel that I just can't do it without him and makes me feel that there's hope in all of this? HOPE.

BULLSHIT.

I can't even believe what I'm saying here and I'm writing this here. Just pardon me. This is the effect of 3 bottles of beer and four pitchers of unknown shit I was drinking at the club a while ago.

Billiards. Beer. Motorcycle Ride.

It’s been a while since I felt this and I felt it to the last person that I ever want to feel it for I’m safe, I know that I am because he makes me feel so and I trust him. I feel like I could be anyone I want when I’m with him. I like what I’m feeling but I’m scared. What if I’m the only one who feels this way? What if he don’t feel the same? I don’t know. I don’t wanna be hurt over and over again. The hug lasted longer than I intended and he hug tighter as if I was something he doesn’t wanna let go and it’s been a while since someone made me feel that way. He made me feel special and I did feel that way. I hope I don’t end up flat on my face.

Story of My Life: Chapter 2

When I was starting college, I was so certain that I know everything about it. So little did I know that I didn’t have the slightest idea what I’m in for the long haul. It was pretty fun when it started. Then the drama came and all the differences got in the way. I just realized that whatever I experienced through the first few weeks; that was people pretending. We were all pretending because we wanted others to believe this perfect shell that they see outside. The first semester ended and that quite went well. Well, the first semester was safe. I just saw the safe side of everything.

Second semester came and I was turned into this badass person who-didn’t-really-care-what-other-people-would-say-because-it-doesn’t-matter state of mind but that was also a facade. I tripped and fell more in this semester than the last one. I saw all the bad things in college in this semester and sadly, I was kind of a part of some of it.

I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know where I belong and I don’t know who my real friends are. This sounds typical when you read this but this is what I do feel. It’s like I wanna quit school but around here, that is not an option. I keep on telling myself that I don’t want to be a part of any of this then I repeat the mistakes I did. In this world with so many different people, I feel alone.