Self-worth

I guess I was never the perfect girlfriend. I admit that I am not a perfect daughter either. So typically, I am not the girl of your dreams. So basically, I think the space that I have now with my boyfriend is essentially what we needed. Let's face it, if we continue further, we would definitely break each other. It was the most perfect relationship I had. Well... Not really perfect but at least the best that I ever had with a man. We just , maybe, loved each other too much. Too much. Or at least that's what I believe.

The wrong thing about me is that, I am too selfless or depend too much. I am that girl who never believed in love but when she did love, she gave it all and everything she had. That was the worse thing that I ever did. Or i ever do. And the depending thing, it's that when I love, I depend on that person too much and every mistake that the person makes or even the littlest ones, they break me. Can you imagine what the big ones did to me?

Well, honestly, that is because I am kind of broken as a person. I had a rough start in life and trust was always an issue. I'm as selfless as to even that person hurts or betrays me again and again, I still come back to that person because I am THAT selfless. So me being broken never really helped my relationship and I am not sure that he even understands it the way I wanted him to. He never really understood on which levels or which aspects my soul is sensitive of or from. 

I got to this point and not only during this time but even before him that even though everything is too fucked up in any relationship I had or have, I always find a reason for that person and as to why everything is the way it is because I love that person. I even got to the point that maybe it is me who is problem. That maybe there is something wrong with me why people can't love me. But I kinda learned my lesson because sometimes, there are things or people that can't just plainly be a part of our life. So I am telling you to stop keeping them in your life. For once let them realize what you mean to them because that is what I failed to do. 

I don't want to be hurt again and I refuse to be hurt again. Emotionally and physically. No one has the right to do that.

Right now, I don't really know if I will rekindle this relationship I had with my biyfriend but he has hurt me countless times and guess what? We never really talk about our problems so the wheel keeps turning on and on. He is not the guy that could take care of me because right now, he is too busy with his career and he has a lot of things that he still wants to do with his life and those plans were made even way before I came to his life. I could not blame him because of that. I can't. Who I am to take that away from him?

Maybe he was right when we were still going out. Maybe he was right that I should consider him married to his job because countless times that has been proven by his actions. There are times that he is too mad and basically told me that I am not important to him. And even at that point, I stayed. I asked him to move in with me the last time. He said yes at first but then said that he can't leave all of the other things for me and that hurt. That hurt so bad. For about a week, I believed that we were going to move in together and I was excited. I saved money and shopped for things just to be turned down but even at that, I still stayed because I love him.

Basically, right now, I just have to find myself. My worth. So that I will be able to protect myself next time. So that this precious heart of mine will not be hurt again. Cause you know, being the last priority sucks. And being an option hurts a lot fucking more. 

I am not giving up on love because it is one of the best things that happened to me. I just didn't know how to deal with it at the time and I believe that this is not the only time I will encounter it. I just hope that someday I will know how to protect myself and I will know when it is already too much. 

Love in reality

If there is one thing that you don't know about me, is that I am a very passionate lover. I think it is because I read too many books and watch too many movies that I myself actually believe in fairytales. Even I always proactively and assertively deny that fairytales don't happen in real life. It seems like or I somewhat always knew that there is a part of me who thinks differently. 

For the past two years I think, I have been obssessed with Fifty Shades of Grey and with that saying, I was also obssessed with Christian Grey himself. I was a high school girl then. Who was so in love with the idea of love hoping that someday it will somehow happen to me. I never really had a boyfriend and I didn't know or rather forgot how love felt like. And from that moment on, I put my standards as high according to Christian Grey's characteristics and no one really was enough or fit to be my Christian Grey.

When I was in college, damn, I was...... WILD. At that point, I was like fuck love and let's have some fun. Actually, looking back at it now, it was more like I was trying to find myself since I never really experienced how to lose control in high school. I was like, man, I can't even describe the things I've done. While I was so caught up with everything that I've found fun doing, little did I know that I was about to fall flat on my face. 

So yeah I fell in love in the midst of that. I found love in a hopeless place I guess. Lol. And actually, he is a good man. A good guy. He slowly guided me out of the life that I was so used living in. I am actually very thankful for him because he was the one who made me have a new perspective. He was the one who made me see the dangers of what I was doing and what or where I could end up in. That is why I loved him because most men that I met, didn't really care about me. They were just out trying to have a good time but that is the time that I knew that this man was different. And the funny thing is, I chickened out at first. I told him that I was not good enough for him so he should steer away from me but the man was very persuasive. We ended up together.

The first couple of months was actually the best ones. I think because we're a new couple. So you know, everything is bound to be awesome and good and all. These last couple of months were the ones that are like damn. We're just fighting and fighting. Actually, I think it was just because we are starting to really know each other. It actually scared me. A lot of things has happened at this point and actually I am quite at the point where it's just all "I don't know what happened" and "What is happening to us?". I cried a lot then it actually got to the point that I don't have any tears to cry anymore. 

The funny thing is, I don't even blame him for anything that has traspired between us. It's like I know that whatever that happened between us, I am just at fault as much as he is. I got to the point that in every step and in every mistake that was done, I was trying to find a reason and that is when I actually had the clearest thought that came in my head about the situation. We are just plainly not for each other. And man, that thought hurts and the thought of losing him. A lot of times it has been brought up that he wants to leave me or I want to leave him in all of our fights but no one is actually really brave to leave. One of us always comes back everytime. But it's actually me most of the time.

I didn't actully know that that "Love The Way You Lie" song could come true. Loving someone until both of you had enough but you still come back every time and be stuck in that crazy dysfunctional relationship. And yes, it actually gets to some point where it becomes physical. The weirdest thing is, you can hurt each other just as how much you love each other. It's actually scarier that way. 

As of now, everything is good. Had a talk with mom the other night. She said that if you love a person, then you have to accept whatever that comes with them and I was like shit. And she says that you would know that it is time to let them go, if everything that the other person does hurts you and he doesn't give the effort to put an end to your pain. And that actually makes sense. It actually makes sense.