For the past two years I think, I have been obssessed with Fifty Shades of Grey and with that saying, I was also obssessed with Christian Grey himself. I was a high school girl then. Who was so in love with the idea of love hoping that someday it will somehow happen to me. I never really had a boyfriend and I didn't know or rather forgot how love felt like. And from that moment on, I put my standards as high according to Christian Grey's characteristics and no one really was enough or fit to be my Christian Grey.
When I was in college, damn, I was...... WILD. At that point, I was like fuck love and let's have some fun. Actually, looking back at it now, it was more like I was trying to find myself since I never really experienced how to lose control in high school. I was like, man, I can't even describe the things I've done. While I was so caught up with everything that I've found fun doing, little did I know that I was about to fall flat on my face.
So yeah I fell in love in the midst of that. I found love in a hopeless place I guess. Lol. And actually, he is a good man. A good guy. He slowly guided me out of the life that I was so used living in. I am actually very thankful for him because he was the one who made me have a new perspective. He was the one who made me see the dangers of what I was doing and what or where I could end up in. That is why I loved him because most men that I met, didn't really care about me. They were just out trying to have a good time but that is the time that I knew that this man was different. And the funny thing is, I chickened out at first. I told him that I was not good enough for him so he should steer away from me but the man was very persuasive. We ended up together.
The first couple of months was actually the best ones. I think because we're a new couple. So you know, everything is bound to be awesome and good and all. These last couple of months were the ones that are like damn. We're just fighting and fighting. Actually, I think it was just because we are starting to really know each other. It actually scared me. A lot of things has happened at this point and actually I am quite at the point where it's just all "I don't know what happened" and "What is happening to us?". I cried a lot then it actually got to the point that I don't have any tears to cry anymore.
The funny thing is, I don't even blame him for anything that has traspired between us. It's like I know that whatever that happened between us, I am just at fault as much as he is. I got to the point that in every step and in every mistake that was done, I was trying to find a reason and that is when I actually had the clearest thought that came in my head about the situation. We are just plainly not for each other. And man, that thought hurts and the thought of losing him. A lot of times it has been brought up that he wants to leave me or I want to leave him in all of our fights but no one is actually really brave to leave. One of us always comes back everytime. But it's actually me most of the time.
I didn't actully know that that "Love The Way You Lie" song could come true. Loving someone until both of you had enough but you still come back every time and be stuck in that crazy dysfunctional relationship. And yes, it actually gets to some point where it becomes physical. The weirdest thing is, you can hurt each other just as how much you love each other. It's actually scarier that way.
As of now, everything is good. Had a talk with mom the other night. She said that if you love a person, then you have to accept whatever that comes with them and I was like shit. And she says that you would know that it is time to let them go, if everything that the other person does hurts you and he doesn't give the effort to put an end to your pain. And that actually makes sense. It actually makes sense.
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