Divas

I have always been a believer of the women's division in WWE. I have watched this kind of wrestling or WWE to be exact in I don't know how long since I was a child. I remember jumping up and down in every victory of my favorite wrestler's in every match in every payperview that was shown in television. It even got me believing that I could be there one day and that I could be one of them. But over the past years, 

I lost interest in WWE. With the good number of changes that was made in the company and the way they air and portray it, I could say that I was one of the good number of people who had A LOT to say against it. But the thing is change is constant and even in the big world as WWE, it does happen.

Well going back to the Divas Division of WWE. I didn't like that they opted to choose models over women who really had the heart and passion for the business. I never really thought that they will consider that as a good business decision. Considering the choice they had made when they opted to have Lita and Trish as the main eventers of Raw one time, I really don't see the connection. But as you get older and more mature about some things, you would understand why they opted to choose pretty faces than women who are really wrestlers; pretty faces have charisma that can attract more viewers and sometimes let's face it, not all female wrestlers have. THAT is a good business decision. But that also leaves all the hard work and years that passionate female wrestlers had put in just to perform in the biggest stage of them all to waste. And of course, a lot of people felt for them; the unappreciated ones. 

Even though that the Divas matches became snack breaks and bio-breaks for those who really needs to go to the comfort room, I always kept track. Even though I quite lost interest in wrestling, I always kept track. I still watch it. Just the divas matches but I kept track. Then that was when Paige came then she became my favorite of them all again since Lita used to be my favorite but she already retired. I saw everything that should be in a Diva in her. But what Stephanie said was right. Paige's courage to have change can't do it alone. 

Then the NXT divas came up. The best thing I've ever seen in women's wrestling since the 2000's. It was awesome. I had the faith in the division back and my long lost passion for the business had been rekindles again. Yes, a lot of people would say that if I really loved the business I would never lose track or I wouldn't have ignored it for so long but the thing is, I actually chose to live in the real world and assess to whatever challenges that I had with my own life and deal with them. Which simply means that, I stopped myself or my life revolve on wrestling cause I just don't see the connection anymore. Yes, I do have male wrestlers who I look up to that should or could honestly still be the reason why I hold on to wrestling, however, I am a woman and I do feel a lot for the women and the females who had worked really hard to reach where they are and what they embody is the most important thing that I actually consider. Not just mere wrestling but the story that they tell. That is the most important thing that they could ever give these people. That's what I want to see. That is where this business established itself. 

Anyway's I would really love to see the division grow now with the new addition in the team, I am pretty much sure that they will start kicking ass. I have also noticed that The Bellas did step their game up and to see them have that drive again is actually awesome. I knew they could do better than that one. I knew saw how they played before and I know that they could be the face of this division one day. And with the Paige, in her youth, I can see that she will go as far as being one of the hall of famers of this business. With the new addition in the division, Becky, Charlotte, and Sasha, they will build this division and I know that people will start to love it again. And as for everybody else, I know that each of them is going to play a part and hopefully, within the next year and so, they will form something that could be a stepping stone for everyone and would definitely leave a mark in history.

Oh yeah, before I end this one, I happen to come accross the match of Charlotte and Sasha Banks in NXT for the women's championship and the moment that they both broke down to tears because they knew that they gave the people what they actually deserve and they were able to put a good match, well, one of the best I've ever seen in a while. The tears, that was passion; and they knew, that they were successful. 

Matches like this was what had my heart in wrestling and what got me believing in it in the first place and I know that now, it got me believing in it again. 

XOXO

-Ciana-

Independent

I am single again.

Depressed? Bitter? Denial? Anxiety? Confused?  Yes, I have all those and the thing is I know. I already know that there is no chance for the both of us and the questions I have will never be answered. My heart is shattered. I have done things that I never thought I would do to save the relationship but it all might as well went to waste. 

I already accept the outcome and I already accept the fact that I will be alone for a while but of course there is anger. Anger towards myself why I begged him to stay and done crazy shit. Anger towards him for letting me hurt this way. Anger to the situation. Anger to the fact that I felt like I wasted time and I am wasting tears to someone who is just plainly not worth it. 

I will not complicate life right now. I will just try to focus more on myself first and more on being successful. I am going to fix myself first until I could truly love myself until I can love someone else. That is what I will do. 

Self-worth

I guess I was never the perfect girlfriend. I admit that I am not a perfect daughter either. So typically, I am not the girl of your dreams. So basically, I think the space that I have now with my boyfriend is essentially what we needed. Let's face it, if we continue further, we would definitely break each other. It was the most perfect relationship I had. Well... Not really perfect but at least the best that I ever had with a man. We just , maybe, loved each other too much. Too much. Or at least that's what I believe.

The wrong thing about me is that, I am too selfless or depend too much. I am that girl who never believed in love but when she did love, she gave it all and everything she had. That was the worse thing that I ever did. Or i ever do. And the depending thing, it's that when I love, I depend on that person too much and every mistake that the person makes or even the littlest ones, they break me. Can you imagine what the big ones did to me?

Well, honestly, that is because I am kind of broken as a person. I had a rough start in life and trust was always an issue. I'm as selfless as to even that person hurts or betrays me again and again, I still come back to that person because I am THAT selfless. So me being broken never really helped my relationship and I am not sure that he even understands it the way I wanted him to. He never really understood on which levels or which aspects my soul is sensitive of or from. 

I got to this point and not only during this time but even before him that even though everything is too fucked up in any relationship I had or have, I always find a reason for that person and as to why everything is the way it is because I love that person. I even got to the point that maybe it is me who is problem. That maybe there is something wrong with me why people can't love me. But I kinda learned my lesson because sometimes, there are things or people that can't just plainly be a part of our life. So I am telling you to stop keeping them in your life. For once let them realize what you mean to them because that is what I failed to do. 

I don't want to be hurt again and I refuse to be hurt again. Emotionally and physically. No one has the right to do that.

Right now, I don't really know if I will rekindle this relationship I had with my biyfriend but he has hurt me countless times and guess what? We never really talk about our problems so the wheel keeps turning on and on. He is not the guy that could take care of me because right now, he is too busy with his career and he has a lot of things that he still wants to do with his life and those plans were made even way before I came to his life. I could not blame him because of that. I can't. Who I am to take that away from him?

Maybe he was right when we were still going out. Maybe he was right that I should consider him married to his job because countless times that has been proven by his actions. There are times that he is too mad and basically told me that I am not important to him. And even at that point, I stayed. I asked him to move in with me the last time. He said yes at first but then said that he can't leave all of the other things for me and that hurt. That hurt so bad. For about a week, I believed that we were going to move in together and I was excited. I saved money and shopped for things just to be turned down but even at that, I still stayed because I love him.

Basically, right now, I just have to find myself. My worth. So that I will be able to protect myself next time. So that this precious heart of mine will not be hurt again. Cause you know, being the last priority sucks. And being an option hurts a lot fucking more. 

I am not giving up on love because it is one of the best things that happened to me. I just didn't know how to deal with it at the time and I believe that this is not the only time I will encounter it. I just hope that someday I will know how to protect myself and I will know when it is already too much. 

Love in reality

If there is one thing that you don't know about me, is that I am a very passionate lover. I think it is because I read too many books and watch too many movies that I myself actually believe in fairytales. Even I always proactively and assertively deny that fairytales don't happen in real life. It seems like or I somewhat always knew that there is a part of me who thinks differently. 

For the past two years I think, I have been obssessed with Fifty Shades of Grey and with that saying, I was also obssessed with Christian Grey himself. I was a high school girl then. Who was so in love with the idea of love hoping that someday it will somehow happen to me. I never really had a boyfriend and I didn't know or rather forgot how love felt like. And from that moment on, I put my standards as high according to Christian Grey's characteristics and no one really was enough or fit to be my Christian Grey.

When I was in college, damn, I was...... WILD. At that point, I was like fuck love and let's have some fun. Actually, looking back at it now, it was more like I was trying to find myself since I never really experienced how to lose control in high school. I was like, man, I can't even describe the things I've done. While I was so caught up with everything that I've found fun doing, little did I know that I was about to fall flat on my face. 

So yeah I fell in love in the midst of that. I found love in a hopeless place I guess. Lol. And actually, he is a good man. A good guy. He slowly guided me out of the life that I was so used living in. I am actually very thankful for him because he was the one who made me have a new perspective. He was the one who made me see the dangers of what I was doing and what or where I could end up in. That is why I loved him because most men that I met, didn't really care about me. They were just out trying to have a good time but that is the time that I knew that this man was different. And the funny thing is, I chickened out at first. I told him that I was not good enough for him so he should steer away from me but the man was very persuasive. We ended up together.

The first couple of months was actually the best ones. I think because we're a new couple. So you know, everything is bound to be awesome and good and all. These last couple of months were the ones that are like damn. We're just fighting and fighting. Actually, I think it was just because we are starting to really know each other. It actually scared me. A lot of things has happened at this point and actually I am quite at the point where it's just all "I don't know what happened" and "What is happening to us?". I cried a lot then it actually got to the point that I don't have any tears to cry anymore. 

The funny thing is, I don't even blame him for anything that has traspired between us. It's like I know that whatever that happened between us, I am just at fault as much as he is. I got to the point that in every step and in every mistake that was done, I was trying to find a reason and that is when I actually had the clearest thought that came in my head about the situation. We are just plainly not for each other. And man, that thought hurts and the thought of losing him. A lot of times it has been brought up that he wants to leave me or I want to leave him in all of our fights but no one is actually really brave to leave. One of us always comes back everytime. But it's actually me most of the time.

I didn't actully know that that "Love The Way You Lie" song could come true. Loving someone until both of you had enough but you still come back every time and be stuck in that crazy dysfunctional relationship. And yes, it actually gets to some point where it becomes physical. The weirdest thing is, you can hurt each other just as how much you love each other. It's actually scarier that way. 

As of now, everything is good. Had a talk with mom the other night. She said that if you love a person, then you have to accept whatever that comes with them and I was like shit. And she says that you would know that it is time to let them go, if everything that the other person does hurts you and he doesn't give the effort to put an end to your pain. And that actually makes sense. It actually makes sense. 

Customer Service

So I have stopped school for a while to find what I really want. It's not really the most negative decision that you can do like most would say. I've been through a lot shit in school in my first year of college in my defense. But honestly, I haven't really lost any interest in school but I'm not just planning to be in it in the near future. Considering that I just had this job and I really really like it. It actually gives me more opportunities to prove myself than any job could offer an eighteen year old. 

I am currently working as a call center representative. I know that it is not the most professional job that you would want your daughter to be imvolved in but it has a very decent pay. Hell, in my country, it pays much more than any degree-requiring job. I am very proud that at the age of eighteen I am being promoted fast. 

But it is a very tiring job and not most people would survive this job. I've seen it happen.  Day by day the people that I know and the people that I have been friends with just vanish every single day. My job is a very tough one. I have been breaking down with stress and my body is almost giving up. I have seen the bad side of it all but I know thatI I've got something to prove. I've got something to work hard for. Day by day, I wake up ar 11 at night and go to work and go home at 12 the next day. I have sacrificed my social life and my relationships for this job. I have lost time for my family, my friends, the people that I use to interact with everyday because I have a job that requires me putting other people first. Iknew that going in this job, it's not going to be easy. 

I knew it and I have already accepted it. The best thing is, my loved ones started to accept it too. That's why everyday, I go to my job and do my best because I know that there are people counting on me. People who had NEVER questioned my decision. God is also the reason why I have all of this. He knows that I work hard because I have a reason for the people I love. 

Let's head off to work baby. 

Fate and Destiny

There are things that are not really meant for you.

I've always been a pure believer of fate and destiny and all those crap. I believe that that F word has something to do why you are what you are now and how you are now. Of course, the letting go is always the hard part but you know, if you don't learn to let things that are not meant for you go, then you won't move on to the next level that DESTINY has in store for you. Again, it's easy to say but hard to do.

But I don't know if you have ever felt this, but sometimes there are just points in your life where you have this thing or person that you love so dearly or means almost the world to you and you never thought that you would ever come to the point of losing it then all of a sudden, you just don't see a future with it or them. You just know that the line ends here. Even though they still do mean a lot for you, you just feel that being with them or it isn't working anymore. That is the hard part. The hardest part.

There will be a point that you will be torn between holding on and letting go. But of course letting go always means negative. Most of the time it does.

Someday You'll Wish You Were A Better Man

Damn, it hurts to know that maybe what you have always known from the start might not even be for real. I think we should all think before we do something and how it might affect people who might be important to you.

For example, someone is waiting at home for you then you just somehow want to drink with your friends and you know that that person had been waiting for long and you just happen to remember then call her when she was already anticipating and excited to see you. Then she does the best thing that she could do as your girlfriend, tell you to have fun. Then she looks around at everything she has prepared and she guesses that maybe next time you'd finally show up.

The thing is, you were never like this from the start then you just start doing it because now she's yours, you got her. So the effort just stops there huh? Do you even know how she feels? Then when she's full and she bursts out at you then you just tell her that she is being unreasonable? You don't know how it hurts her and how she cries herself to sleep alone just because you put yourself first. Then she asks herself how did it get here.

You' had promised her, when you were still trying to win her over, that you'd love her even through how broken she is but you don't know that you had just totally broke her to pieces. What an insensitive son of a bitch you are.

I promise you there will be a time where you will wish that you were a better man and a man that she deserved. You will wish that you always let her feel important cause you did have her but totally lost her heart