Liar

The moment he said it, I thought he meant it and how stupid I was to fall for that. What we had was short-lived, yes but definitely not real. What I felt was real and his was obviously wasn't. I found out he has a girlfriend waiting for him back home and how was I supposed to react? I didn't have the right to be hurt. I wanted to cry but it didn't come. The tears. They didn't come. I know you probably, read a lot of like this but you're free to carry on if you don't feel like reading this.

I made a fool of myself. A huge joke. Why did I ever believe everything he said. I didn't know the guy for godsake! We knew each other for five fucking days. I didn't have anything to base on to give him my trust but I gave it away anyway. What was I thinking? I don't know. So his glances was him checking me out. Boys will always be boys. Girls will always be girls. Always hurt.

He kissed two girls before me and those girls were my then friends. Wow, now I feel dirty. The way he acted, the way he touched, the way everything went down between us was all a lie. He was just a guy in a new town waiting for a new fling. Fuck him.

I hate myself so much because in the very short time we're together, I'm already in love with him. That's the biggest mistake.

So this one's for the bastard that broke my never been broken heart.

I hate you cause you're sweet. I hate you cause you didn't stay. I hate you cause you lied. I hate you cause you are who you are.
I hate you because you led me on. I hate you cause you made me believe you. I hate you because you played with me.
I hate you because you made me feel like a third party. I hate you because you made me believe we had something.
I hate you because you made me feel things I was afraid to feel. I hate you because you let me believe that I could try this thing too.
I hate you because you made me feel special. I hate you because the one thing I was afraid to feel I felt for you.
I hate you because in the short time that we're together, I was already in love with you.
I hate you so much more now cause I learned that everything was a lie. The way you touch,kiss,stare,everything that we had. It was all a lie


but I'm telling you, you made a big mistake.

Someone more deserving is gonna have this.

And I am gonna meet him. Maybe not soon but I will meet him.

STRANGER

How my life turned for a few days lesser than a week, I can't explain. I don't know if I can say that I'm in love.

Meeting him was serendipity. It wasn't planned. It just so happened. Either we met for a reason or hes a lesson. We weren't really talking much but I did notice his occasional touchy gestures and out of the subject staring. He didn't give me anything to hold on to assume. He was in town for UNIGAMES which was held in my city so players from all over the country from different universities came in town to participate.

His last night came and that was the time that he was making me feel that he does like me. He told me that he  was staring at me cause I did capture his attention. I didn't know what to say cause I'm not one for romance but he made me feel different.

Special.

That's how he made me feel.

So we sat there under the stars, holding hands, his head on my lap. We laughed and talked. I wanted THAT. I wanted to stay longer like that but in reality, 1 hour was all we had. I told him that I do feel sad that he's already leaving and he said " Don't make it hard for me to leave. " When he said that, I almost cried. I didn't want him to leave. I wanted him to stay so bad but that can't be cause he lives so far from me. He didn't wanna kiss me cause he said he didn't want to have something to hold on to cause it would be so hard for him to leave.

It was hard for me too but we did anyway and that was the time that I knew that I really felt something real.

Short-lived but real.

Someone that I used to know

Funny thing that happened to me a couple of weeks ago.

My friend came over to my neighborhood cause she used to live here too and she called up and said hey, I'm going to visit someone who lives near you wanna come? and I was like yeah yeah.

So she introduced me to her friend who's a lesbian and there's nothing wrong with it but she's kinda hitting on me and all and I'm like whatever then we went to this girl's house and her whole family was there and all. They were all pretty cool actually. It was the day before my prelims and I should have stayed home and study but who was I kidding? I wouldn't study anyway if I stayed at home all day.

Anyway, there we were drinking, having a good time, and chatting. Then suddenly her little sister came into the room and she was holding a baby and it was kinda odd because there we were drinking and smoking and then she brought a baby in the room but I was kind of drawn towards the little baby because it's so cute. So I asked if I could borrow it then the sister gave it to me and left. I stared at the little baby and he stared back. He reminded me a lot of someone I know.

Then someone came in and came looking for the baby. Guess what. It was my ex. It just so happened that my friend's friend's older sister was the WIFE of my ex and the baby I was holding was HIS. I'm at lost for words and obviously he was too. We stared dumbly at each other for like hours then he left. I looked back at the baby and it stared back at me.

"No wonder you're so goodlooking." I told him silently laughing at my own joke

Funny because my friend and her friend never even noticed the silent confrontation if that's a way to put it, that I had with my so called ex and they weren't even aware that we used to had something before.

So let me tell you about my ex.

He was a typical badboy. He's half British. He's very goodlooking and that was really a problem for me when we were still dating. He was my first and so far only boyfriend that I ever had. It was because of him that I kinda have trust issues with the male species. He was a badboy and he introduced me in some stuff that I wish I never found out. I was very fond and very innocent and very much in love with idea of love that I had mistaken it as love but it was really all an infatuation. He was dating me and he was seeing some other girls but I was the official one. I was the one known to his family and to our common friends. I knew he was cheating but still I let it happen because you know. He was my first and he was very goodlooking so who was I to complain. We broke rules together and all. I remember always questioning if he really does love me. Our common friends said he does and his sister told that he does love me but it's hard for him because he can't change himself because he's used to that. Then came to a point that I had enough.

I took a vacation vacation in a very far place and it was then I realized that what am I doing? I was holding on to something that wasn't worth it. I'm young, I still have a lot to offer. That was the time when I stopped considering him as my boyfriend. I came back to my neighborhood after a very long time and when I say long I'm talking like YEARS long. I was more mature and I knew how to stand up for whatever I say. I've never heard of him. Never saw him. Never talked to him. I changed a lot about myself. My appearance. My attitude. My personality. My cell number. Everything.

The last that I heard about him that he was married.

It just felt weird holding his baby but I knew that there was a reason why we didn't work out. I know that I made the right decision when I left. We never really had the chance to break it off officially and formally but I think it's better that way.

That time when we were at my friend's friend's house, I encountered him a lot of times. On my way to the bathroom, on my way for a glass of water, on my way to get something from somewhere. We never talked. We just had our occasional eye contacts. It was weird but I think it's better that way. It's already awkward that we're not talking and I think it will be much more awkward if we started talking.

I was kinda happy for him actually. He had a nice wife. He had a beautiful baby boy. He had a comfortable life. I am happy for him and I am glad that we didn't work out because based on what I saw, it worked out great for him.

Bullies

Do you wanna know what they call me now?

A fuckin' warfreak.

Oh wow. The last time I check I was the person who was cyber-bullied and had a hate page on facebook for all the wrong reasons. I knew they were talking behind my back. I mean what else are they good at? I always knew but I just wished they knew how to keep it and not let it reach me. Fucking morons. Who do they think they are. The issue's long gone. The issue's long fucking DEAD but no, they like to meddle with me and my affairs. What did I do to them? NOTHING. I just tried to live my life everyday. Just trying to make it out of freshman year ALIVE but they still talk about me and whatever shit. I have a very little reputation and now it's all gone. They talk about me to the people that I haven't even met and now, these people hate me too for no fuckin' reason! They hate me and they talk shit about me and worse, the people I care about. I will take everything they give me. Every rumor, every lie, every insult, EVERYTHING but messing with the people I love? NO FUCKING WAY. They should know better than being stereotypical mean people in movies. I have no idea what they have been watching and I sincerely hope that their parents are very proud of what they are doing and of them.

Calling me a warfreak? How much do you know about me? The last time I checked, we had like ten fuckin conversations and you now think that you know me to the core? How dare you say these things about me and the people I love. I have very few people that I truly care about because I don't let a lot of people in and now even them. You're gonna mess with them. I won't allow that. One more, one more remark and I will grab them by the throat and let them eat shit.

I can't really fight back before because I was class president and a lot of people will be affected with my actions and my decisions but now that I am back to being a nobody, I will fight back. I will fucking fight back and let them taste their own medicine. I don't know who the fuck they are but the actions that they do speaks A LOT about them. I hope they have a very nice life because I don't want anything to do with them and I'm moving on but I swear one more shit I hear and one more messing with the people I love and they are going to get it.

They are going to get it bad

College Life

I entered college approximately 3 months ago and it's been a constant roller coaster until now.

I was class president at one point but that didn't go well, I had to give it up because the people who voted wanted me out of it for some reason I don't know. Being the bigger person, so I thought like one and made the decision to give it up because they are making it like a big deal and they're using all these big words and whatever in arguments and then this petition came up, it was all a wreck and I didn't want to involve myself any further in that. I just wanted to go back. Back when I was still a nobody.

The hate that I received was more than any hate that I've ever received in my whole life..........so far. It changed me. I wasn't me anymore. They saw all the wrong things that I do but the right ones, they don't. It was a whole three months of depression. It was just me and myself. I was a freshman and I'm also new to the "officer duties". What was I supposed to do? It affected me, it affected my grades, it affected my attitude towards school, I felt like I was a mistake.

Just by writing it now, I can still feel how raw the scars that this experience gave me.

I was just trying to find new friends, to adapt in this new school atmosphere, to focus for my future, to achieve more, but I realized that it wasn't that easy. I also realize that college is one step towards the real world so this will be compared to nothing when I actually work and face the actual real world.

Since I dropped the position, everything has been calm and quiet. Well, at least for now it is. The tension died down. I'm trying to build myself again. To reclaim the old me. Id I fail on that one then maybe I can build myself into someone better than the old me.

In college, there's a lot of people. From different schools, from different backgrounds, different attitudes, different morals, different beliefs, different upbringings. Like what I've said, it's one step towards the real world. This is a lesson that I will never forget because it's the one that affected my life the most.



Until my next post again!

Best Friends, and Real Friends

I'm so sick of fake people. Fake people as in fake friends. You just don't know who they are. Sometimes they're right in front of your fucking face and you're not even aware.

Here you are thinking that they have your back all along and everything's good in the relationship but no. They have a hidden grudge and they keep you close because for some reason they want to make your life a living hell and it is easier to do that when you are within their arm's reach.

And meanwhile, here you are, saying "Oh its okay. We're friends anyway." BULLSHIT! Friends DON'T embarrass friends in front of other people. They should not be the ones to get in your face and point out your flaws even you already saw them.

Fake friends do that and they're horrible. I've got quite an experience with friendship.

I have these friends who rubs it in my face that I'm not good enough, that I'm not pretty enough, that I' m not smart enough. Well, fine. I don't need any of those to be a good person.

I'm always that person that's very loud but when I feel sad or hurt, I won't talk. I will just be silent cause what's the point of telling when they aren't willing to listen anyway.

I also have these friends that would talk like they adore you in front of your face then the moment you turn your back, stories fly everywhere. Things you've never done and things you've never said. The thins is they're so good at twisting whatever you said and they make it sound bad. Really bad.

Then there are those friends who are really sweet and kind to you but the moment when you really really need them, they're gone.

You look around this world and realize that you are alone. ALL ALONE. You can't FULLY trust anybody. The BEST friend that you can have is yourself because people will hurt you whether you like it or not or whether they like it or not, they will hurt you eventually.

I know there are ACTUAL good people out there. This, all, is just my opinion based from my experiences and what I'm going through but for those are actually great friends, hands down to you. hope could find someone like you one day.

So. Best Friends or Real Friends? Choose the real one cause sometimes even your very best friend can turn their backs at you and that is a FACT. The real ones may not be your closest or best friends but you will know if they're real, cause the moment you think that nothing is going right, you look over your shoulder and they're there.

Story of my life

I don't even know why I'm writing this but I just have to take this all out.

Things are getting complicated for me. Emotionally. I don't know if this is just the time where I'm starting to discover things but I'm having problems with my family. I'm not trying to make myself the victim here but I can only speak for myself. I don't know. I just think they don't understand me. I know you might think that this is another teenage moments where a bratty girl whines about her parents not understanding but the thing is they don't. They think they do but they don't.

First of all, they don't know anything that is going on in my life because they don't even care about how I feel. All I want them is to be considerate and accept me for who I am and for the things that are not too obvious.

Sometimes I think it's me. I'm the wrong thing in this whole equation because the last time I checked, I was the laughing stalk at school, I'm the one who get kicked at the back, I was the one whose pants get pulled down or whose skirt pulled up, I'm the one who gets hit with a damn heavy folder/briefcase thingy on the head, I'm the one who the teachers are so fond of yelling at, I'm the girl who could be made fun of and I'm not supposed to be mad about all of that because it is done by the people I call friends.

I don't even know why I'm still hanging around or why I don't stick up for myself. I'm damaged for the reasons that are too early for me to say but I also have to deal with those shit. My parents doesn't see that. They think I'm the bad girl. I'm the wild one when I'm not doing anything wrong,

It's kinda sad because of all people, they believe all of that crap. I'm a teenage girl. I have fun but I know my limitations and they're just I don't know.I don't and won't do things that I might regret ever. I hope they try to understand and listen. No they should listen and understand. They don't know what's happening to me.

All I just wanted is to find a place to fit in and then I gave up and just went to be me but that wasn't so easy still. I get hated for fitting in and for being myself and my parents doesn't see that because they hate me too. They think I'm no good because I'm not smart like my sister and I'm not achieving as high as she is.

This is me. I want them to see that. To accept that. I don't care if other people wouldn't but I need them to do that so bad because they are a part of me and a permanent part of my life but I don't know. It seems like that is too far from possible.

I'm hated everywhere and they don't know that and see that because all they do is stand there and yell at me too. They don't listen. Sometimes they listen but they don't get it.

Every hit and humiliation, I take it all because I think they make me stronger. I think I'm stronger because I can get through them but that doesn't take away the feeling of being worthless. I just hope my friends would stop treating me bad and start being my friends and I want my family to stop judging me like I'm a different person and see me and stop isolating me.

Good thing I don't have any suicidal instinct because I wouldn't be here writing this right now if I do.

All through this, I'm barely hanging on. I'm barely holding on but I promise to myself because I don't think that there is anyone else who is going to stand up for me, I promise that I will hold on. Whatever it takes, doesn't matter how hard I'm slipping, I will hold on. As long as I can, I will keep the little dignity that I have for myself.