Independent

I am single again.

Depressed? Bitter? Denial? Anxiety? Confused?  Yes, I have all those and the thing is I know. I already know that there is no chance for the both of us and the questions I have will never be answered. My heart is shattered. I have done things that I never thought I would do to save the relationship but it all might as well went to waste. 

I already accept the outcome and I already accept the fact that I will be alone for a while but of course there is anger. Anger towards myself why I begged him to stay and done crazy shit. Anger towards him for letting me hurt this way. Anger to the situation. Anger to the fact that I felt like I wasted time and I am wasting tears to someone who is just plainly not worth it. 

I will not complicate life right now. I will just try to focus more on myself first and more on being successful. I am going to fix myself first until I could truly love myself until I can love someone else. That is what I will do. 

Self-worth

I guess I was never the perfect girlfriend. I admit that I am not a perfect daughter either. So typically, I am not the girl of your dreams. So basically, I think the space that I have now with my boyfriend is essentially what we needed. Let's face it, if we continue further, we would definitely break each other. It was the most perfect relationship I had. Well... Not really perfect but at least the best that I ever had with a man. We just , maybe, loved each other too much. Too much. Or at least that's what I believe.

The wrong thing about me is that, I am too selfless or depend too much. I am that girl who never believed in love but when she did love, she gave it all and everything she had. That was the worse thing that I ever did. Or i ever do. And the depending thing, it's that when I love, I depend on that person too much and every mistake that the person makes or even the littlest ones, they break me. Can you imagine what the big ones did to me?

Well, honestly, that is because I am kind of broken as a person. I had a rough start in life and trust was always an issue. I'm as selfless as to even that person hurts or betrays me again and again, I still come back to that person because I am THAT selfless. So me being broken never really helped my relationship and I am not sure that he even understands it the way I wanted him to. He never really understood on which levels or which aspects my soul is sensitive of or from. 

I got to this point and not only during this time but even before him that even though everything is too fucked up in any relationship I had or have, I always find a reason for that person and as to why everything is the way it is because I love that person. I even got to the point that maybe it is me who is problem. That maybe there is something wrong with me why people can't love me. But I kinda learned my lesson because sometimes, there are things or people that can't just plainly be a part of our life. So I am telling you to stop keeping them in your life. For once let them realize what you mean to them because that is what I failed to do. 

I don't want to be hurt again and I refuse to be hurt again. Emotionally and physically. No one has the right to do that.

Right now, I don't really know if I will rekindle this relationship I had with my biyfriend but he has hurt me countless times and guess what? We never really talk about our problems so the wheel keeps turning on and on. He is not the guy that could take care of me because right now, he is too busy with his career and he has a lot of things that he still wants to do with his life and those plans were made even way before I came to his life. I could not blame him because of that. I can't. Who I am to take that away from him?

Maybe he was right when we were still going out. Maybe he was right that I should consider him married to his job because countless times that has been proven by his actions. There are times that he is too mad and basically told me that I am not important to him. And even at that point, I stayed. I asked him to move in with me the last time. He said yes at first but then said that he can't leave all of the other things for me and that hurt. That hurt so bad. For about a week, I believed that we were going to move in together and I was excited. I saved money and shopped for things just to be turned down but even at that, I still stayed because I love him.

Basically, right now, I just have to find myself. My worth. So that I will be able to protect myself next time. So that this precious heart of mine will not be hurt again. Cause you know, being the last priority sucks. And being an option hurts a lot fucking more. 

I am not giving up on love because it is one of the best things that happened to me. I just didn't know how to deal with it at the time and I believe that this is not the only time I will encounter it. I just hope that someday I will know how to protect myself and I will know when it is already too much. 

Love in reality

If there is one thing that you don't know about me, is that I am a very passionate lover. I think it is because I read too many books and watch too many movies that I myself actually believe in fairytales. Even I always proactively and assertively deny that fairytales don't happen in real life. It seems like or I somewhat always knew that there is a part of me who thinks differently. 

For the past two years I think, I have been obssessed with Fifty Shades of Grey and with that saying, I was also obssessed with Christian Grey himself. I was a high school girl then. Who was so in love with the idea of love hoping that someday it will somehow happen to me. I never really had a boyfriend and I didn't know or rather forgot how love felt like. And from that moment on, I put my standards as high according to Christian Grey's characteristics and no one really was enough or fit to be my Christian Grey.

When I was in college, damn, I was...... WILD. At that point, I was like fuck love and let's have some fun. Actually, looking back at it now, it was more like I was trying to find myself since I never really experienced how to lose control in high school. I was like, man, I can't even describe the things I've done. While I was so caught up with everything that I've found fun doing, little did I know that I was about to fall flat on my face. 

So yeah I fell in love in the midst of that. I found love in a hopeless place I guess. Lol. And actually, he is a good man. A good guy. He slowly guided me out of the life that I was so used living in. I am actually very thankful for him because he was the one who made me have a new perspective. He was the one who made me see the dangers of what I was doing and what or where I could end up in. That is why I loved him because most men that I met, didn't really care about me. They were just out trying to have a good time but that is the time that I knew that this man was different. And the funny thing is, I chickened out at first. I told him that I was not good enough for him so he should steer away from me but the man was very persuasive. We ended up together.

The first couple of months was actually the best ones. I think because we're a new couple. So you know, everything is bound to be awesome and good and all. These last couple of months were the ones that are like damn. We're just fighting and fighting. Actually, I think it was just because we are starting to really know each other. It actually scared me. A lot of things has happened at this point and actually I am quite at the point where it's just all "I don't know what happened" and "What is happening to us?". I cried a lot then it actually got to the point that I don't have any tears to cry anymore. 

The funny thing is, I don't even blame him for anything that has traspired between us. It's like I know that whatever that happened between us, I am just at fault as much as he is. I got to the point that in every step and in every mistake that was done, I was trying to find a reason and that is when I actually had the clearest thought that came in my head about the situation. We are just plainly not for each other. And man, that thought hurts and the thought of losing him. A lot of times it has been brought up that he wants to leave me or I want to leave him in all of our fights but no one is actually really brave to leave. One of us always comes back everytime. But it's actually me most of the time.

I didn't actully know that that "Love The Way You Lie" song could come true. Loving someone until both of you had enough but you still come back every time and be stuck in that crazy dysfunctional relationship. And yes, it actually gets to some point where it becomes physical. The weirdest thing is, you can hurt each other just as how much you love each other. It's actually scarier that way. 

As of now, everything is good. Had a talk with mom the other night. She said that if you love a person, then you have to accept whatever that comes with them and I was like shit. And she says that you would know that it is time to let them go, if everything that the other person does hurts you and he doesn't give the effort to put an end to your pain. And that actually makes sense. It actually makes sense. 

Customer Service

So I have stopped school for a while to find what I really want. It's not really the most negative decision that you can do like most would say. I've been through a lot shit in school in my first year of college in my defense. But honestly, I haven't really lost any interest in school but I'm not just planning to be in it in the near future. Considering that I just had this job and I really really like it. It actually gives me more opportunities to prove myself than any job could offer an eighteen year old. 

I am currently working as a call center representative. I know that it is not the most professional job that you would want your daughter to be imvolved in but it has a very decent pay. Hell, in my country, it pays much more than any degree-requiring job. I am very proud that at the age of eighteen I am being promoted fast. 

But it is a very tiring job and not most people would survive this job. I've seen it happen.  Day by day the people that I know and the people that I have been friends with just vanish every single day. My job is a very tough one. I have been breaking down with stress and my body is almost giving up. I have seen the bad side of it all but I know thatI I've got something to prove. I've got something to work hard for. Day by day, I wake up ar 11 at night and go to work and go home at 12 the next day. I have sacrificed my social life and my relationships for this job. I have lost time for my family, my friends, the people that I use to interact with everyday because I have a job that requires me putting other people first. Iknew that going in this job, it's not going to be easy. 

I knew it and I have already accepted it. The best thing is, my loved ones started to accept it too. That's why everyday, I go to my job and do my best because I know that there are people counting on me. People who had NEVER questioned my decision. God is also the reason why I have all of this. He knows that I work hard because I have a reason for the people I love. 

Let's head off to work baby. 

Fate and Destiny

There are things that are not really meant for you.

I've always been a pure believer of fate and destiny and all those crap. I believe that that F word has something to do why you are what you are now and how you are now. Of course, the letting go is always the hard part but you know, if you don't learn to let things that are not meant for you go, then you won't move on to the next level that DESTINY has in store for you. Again, it's easy to say but hard to do.

But I don't know if you have ever felt this, but sometimes there are just points in your life where you have this thing or person that you love so dearly or means almost the world to you and you never thought that you would ever come to the point of losing it then all of a sudden, you just don't see a future with it or them. You just know that the line ends here. Even though they still do mean a lot for you, you just feel that being with them or it isn't working anymore. That is the hard part. The hardest part.

There will be a point that you will be torn between holding on and letting go. But of course letting go always means negative. Most of the time it does.

Someday You'll Wish You Were A Better Man

Damn, it hurts to know that maybe what you have always known from the start might not even be for real. I think we should all think before we do something and how it might affect people who might be important to you.

For example, someone is waiting at home for you then you just somehow want to drink with your friends and you know that that person had been waiting for long and you just happen to remember then call her when she was already anticipating and excited to see you. Then she does the best thing that she could do as your girlfriend, tell you to have fun. Then she looks around at everything she has prepared and she guesses that maybe next time you'd finally show up.

The thing is, you were never like this from the start then you just start doing it because now she's yours, you got her. So the effort just stops there huh? Do you even know how she feels? Then when she's full and she bursts out at you then you just tell her that she is being unreasonable? You don't know how it hurts her and how she cries herself to sleep alone just because you put yourself first. Then she asks herself how did it get here.

You' had promised her, when you were still trying to win her over, that you'd love her even through how broken she is but you don't know that you had just totally broke her to pieces. What an insensitive son of a bitch you are.

I promise you there will be a time where you will wish that you were a better man and a man that she deserved. You will wish that you always let her feel important cause you did have her but totally lost her heart

I'm A John Cena Fan

You what are the reasons why I can never hate @JohnCena?

It's because I've watched him throughout my childhood and he taught me a lot about life. He taught me that it doesn't matter what people say. As long as you love what you do and you have enough heart to get up every time you fall down, you'll be fine. He taught me to Rise above hate. He taught me to never give up. I know these are all silly lines for skeptics or silly quotes on tshirts but I am pretty sure that it meant something to the #CeNation. He taught me that it doesn't matter if people don't believe in you. All the hate he gets, he makes a positive outcome out of it. He also taught me a lot about respect. Respect is gained. Never given. I learned to respect people's opinions, feeling, and actions because who am I to judge? I don't know their story. I don't know where they're coming from. I know that it is all scripted. Fake, as people call it. But as long as you see the good out of sports entertainment and the good out of the people in it, I think you might learn something too. That's why I'll forever stay a fan. I may not watch it more now these days but wrestling will always have a special place in me and in my life. John Cena taught me a lot and I know a lot of people don't like him now but I have an emotional connection with him even though I've never met him.

Elliot Rodger

Santa Barbara Rampage Killer Identified as the Son of Hunger Games' Assistant Director

   I read this article today. It was..... disturbing. But yet here is another tragedy caused by society and the judgment fixed on stereotyping.

   Elliot Rodger is a suspect for killing 7 people by stabbing and shooting. He first stabbed three men in his apartment building and then proceeded to drive around the streets and shot almost everyone he saw. He did that but not after leaving his last message to humanity through this video.

   According to what I've read, Rodger had been bullied all his life and was thrown off a balcony at a party once. On some level, I can relate to him because I knew how that felt. I knew how it felt to be rejected by society and how it feels to be alone. I knew how it felt that you are not good enough to fit in. It messes with your head. You are in this place where you want to hurt yourself or you want to make a statement. And trust me, that is not a place you want to be in. I've lost interest in life and everything around me. I just don't see the purpose of everything and everyone but I realized that "How long will I be like this?".

   It's disgusting how the norms of society did this. Just because a person wasn't good enough or "too cool" then it doesn't mean that you gotta look at them like they have a contagious disease or something. Think of it. This is not gonna be the last time if the stereotype of the society is still the same. Elliot Rodger himself might be a victim just as all of us are. We are victims of the stereotyping judgmental society and the unseen caste system that has been there all along.

But of course that's an everyday thing. That's permanent. Whether we like it or not, that's the world that we're living in now and that's on us on how we take it or face it and apparently, Elliot Rodger chose the wrong way to do so.

Single??.....NOT

Remember the title of my last post? I almost did that tonight. I'm being unreasonable whatever but I was hurt. What would you feel if the person that you're in a relationship with, acts like he or she isn't in a relationship. He totally acts like he or she is single in the presence of other people? Exactly, goddamn hurt and insulted in a whole 'nother level.

Well, let's settle for he cause I'm talking about my boyfriend. This is gonna be a whole rant.

I got into a huge fight with him because he did exactly that and he tells me I'm immature and unreasonable. Then be it but I'm not gonna back down until my point is heard. Things kind of died down now but I'm still fuming. I just can't believe that he acted like he's single and there was a girl involved. I  might have been so understanding and everything if only the girl is a pure stranger but no. It was a girl that he had a past with. Pure fuckery.

Then I told him I was tired and give me time to think then he was like if you wanna be that way then no comment and I was so mad and I said fine, no relationship.

I was sooooo ready to let him go at the moment. Even though I loved him but he never gave a good enough reason why he did what he did. It's close but not a reason that could keep my feelings down. I figured out that if he wasn't man enough to declare that he's in a relationship then maybe he's not the man for me. I'm tired and I don't wanna go through all the arguing and all.

Now, he kind of won my feelings back but he didn't erase the doubt and everything else negative that I was feeling. I don't want to be in a relationship with a guy like this but I guess we can quite figure it out since he said that we're going to talk about it tomorrow.

I just hope that he has a good damn reason tomorrow and that his reason is enough for me to stay cause if not, then I guess I have to be somewhere else.

When he said I love you tonight, I answered him that I'm not sure if I can say those word to you right now. I just can't. I had to be real.

Letting Go

It has been very easy for me to let go things and people for a very long time. I always had this mindset that nothing lasts forever so why waste time holding on to something that already isn't there. Then I realized that, yes, nothing lasts forever but there's nothing wrong holding on to it. Think, how much does it or they mean to you? Are you just going to give up on them that easily above everything? Someone made me realize that there are things in life that is very hard to let go because they mean a lot and they impacted your life forever. You shouldn't give up without a fight because maybe, just maybe, that thing or someone was made to be in your life forever and fate gave you a chance to have a say in your future and you didn't make the right one.

Growing up

I've always thought that appearing like you don't care at all would protect you from the evil of the thing called emotions. But it was just a facade and you can never run away from feelings. I also learned that facing a problem head on is better than running away or stacking them in the corner. They will continue to pile up and soon what do you get? A suicidal instinct and depression.

For the past months, besides my boy dramas, my life wasn't really at it's peak. I lost interest in everything and the lack of inspiration hit me so hard that I can't see a purpose for my life. It's just so bad. I rejected a lot of things and it was hard to stand up and to get up from that. Now, I just want my life back. I just want it to be back to the normal me.

I was a very vibrant and cheerful adolescent when I was in high school. I want to be that again and then I realize what's my real problem: I don't wanna grow up.

Which we all know that at some point we should. I'm just scared to not have everything I need as I used to. Growing up requires me working hard to attain them. I just felt that I'm not just ready to grow up yet. The responsibilities and obligations that scares me too.

But now, I think I found some will to face all of that. It's time for me to be a big girl now.

EL OW VI EE

We had talked about things and it's fine now. I know that all I gotta do is to be mature now and take care of our relationship as much as he does. I'm just happy I have someone who accepts me and makes me aware that I am capable of loving too. I don't think that hiding is an option now. I'm just so happy right now that I think I can break all walls down.

Maturity

Again, I feel like he's pushing me away. Like what the hell. I don't know if it's my insecurities who does this to me but that's how I feel now and I'm also getting the feeling of letting go. I mean that I should let him go. I know that I love him and he loves me and I don't know what's keeping us two. I guess we're those kind of people with "no string attached" attitude but I do want more. I want him to just make it official. If we can't then maybe, it is time to let go and move on.

It's hard to be in this kind of situation cause at the end of the day, anyone from the both of us could just leave. Could just go on and leave the other one. Very different from the feeling of ease that you know that even though how much you fight, you know that you have each other because you're boyfriend and girlfriend. Not this kind of feeling that you gotta see each other everyday cause you are scared that any time any one of you won't be there anymore.

I think it's time to let go now. I think it's time to move on. I mean if he is not man enough to make a relationship of what we have then why should I stay. For the first time that I love you's aren't enough. I feel like it's time for me to be happy and be a big girl and move on.

One Step Forward, Three Steps Back

I don't know where we are now and what we are but I do know that we both feel the same way. The thing now is, it's complicated because he's an employee at the University that I go to and I am a student. And that is so not acceptable in the eyes of society. He's this guide in life as I like to call him. He always tells me to make the right decisions and he's always telling me that he would be happy to see me happy someday. The thing is, I also want him happy but he's too focus about making me happy to even notice.

There are times that I feel he's pushing me away and I can't help but think that he's had enough of me. Then he comes and tells me he loves me. One step forward, three steps back. That's what I like to call us. I know that he would still choose his job over me someday because one time, he told me to consider him married. We have to hide and right now, I still can but I'm scared that someday I might be fed up of hiding and I'll just go.

The setting of our relationship is so fucked and what I feel for him also is. I used to think that this is okay. What we are now is okay. No labels. But now, I want more. So much more and I don't know if he could give it to me and the large part of me tells me that he can't because I should consider him "married". The thing is, the moment I consider him that and I start to consider giving up too, he does something and I know that can't go on without him. For now, I just can't. I just fall back and do it over and over again. My friend tells me I should just let it go and let him and myself go but how can I do that when every time he makes me feel that I just can't do it without him and makes me feel that there's hope in all of this? HOPE.

BULLSHIT.

I can't even believe what I'm saying here and I'm writing this here. Just pardon me. This is the effect of 3 bottles of beer and four pitchers of unknown shit I was drinking at the club a while ago.

Billiards. Beer. Motorcycle Ride.

It’s been a while since I felt this and I felt it to the last person that I ever want to feel it for I’m safe, I know that I am because he makes me feel so and I trust him. I feel like I could be anyone I want when I’m with him. I like what I’m feeling but I’m scared. What if I’m the only one who feels this way? What if he don’t feel the same? I don’t know. I don’t wanna be hurt over and over again. The hug lasted longer than I intended and he hug tighter as if I was something he doesn’t wanna let go and it’s been a while since someone made me feel that way. He made me feel special and I did feel that way. I hope I don’t end up flat on my face.

Story of My Life: Chapter 2

When I was starting college, I was so certain that I know everything about it. So little did I know that I didn’t have the slightest idea what I’m in for the long haul. It was pretty fun when it started. Then the drama came and all the differences got in the way. I just realized that whatever I experienced through the first few weeks; that was people pretending. We were all pretending because we wanted others to believe this perfect shell that they see outside. The first semester ended and that quite went well. Well, the first semester was safe. I just saw the safe side of everything.

Second semester came and I was turned into this badass person who-didn’t-really-care-what-other-people-would-say-because-it-doesn’t-matter state of mind but that was also a facade. I tripped and fell more in this semester than the last one. I saw all the bad things in college in this semester and sadly, I was kind of a part of some of it.

I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know where I belong and I don’t know who my real friends are. This sounds typical when you read this but this is what I do feel. It’s like I wanna quit school but around here, that is not an option. I keep on telling myself that I don’t want to be a part of any of this then I repeat the mistakes I did. In this world with so many different people, I feel alone.

He loves me not

In the very few times we met, I knew that I want him and I knew that he's the man of my dreams. He's very serious about the things he says and he's very funny. I know I dated a lot but you know he's different and I know you think "here she goes again".

The thing is he loves her and I know that he would give the world to her and I know because I'm his confidant. I fell in love with the words he says and how he professes he loves her. I know he does. You can clearly see it and how I wish it was me. If it was me, there will be no regrets. I know that because I will give him the world back.

Now I understand all the hopeless romantics in the world.

True Love Waits

 I fell in and out of love since the last time I wrote here. You can call me whatever you want but yes, I dated a lot.

 The first was okay but he ended up leading me on and not even caring so yeah practically a jerk. The second one, now this is interesting, we came very close. Very very close that I brought him one time to meet my friends because things was going so well for us but I ended up knowing that he's in a relationship with a gay guy but he insists he's straight. Yeah right. His friends told me that he's just using the gay guy for money but that doesn't still sound good to me. That sounded very baaaaaad. Then the ones after that was nothing really special and lasted for only a night.

 I'm not thirsty for guys if that's even grammatically correct. They just came and I just entertained because I think it's about time to explore that side of life since it's been a long time since I've been in a relationship again. They all appeared to be very nice and all but they all had flaws. I know it's normal for people to have flaws and I'm not looking for a perfect guy either. I just wanted someone who could be real as I am. I'm not the hearts and flowers type of girl. I'm not that hard to please. You know that feeling that even though a person isn't really that perfect but you know that you could live with their flaws. You just know that they are the ONE.

 I'm thinking about taking a break from dating again. You know, just live the life as it is because all these guys are stressing me out. I'm not giving up. I'm just taking a break because I don't think this is a good time for me. True love waits. That's what they say but I don't really know where to put that in my life so whatever. I'm going back to the single life again.

 Just recently, I learned that the second one, the one who I brought to meet my friends, told my friends that he's ready "court" me. I really did like him but a lot has happened now. WHERE do I put that now? WHERE does it fit in this whole equation? WHAT does it do now?

 Oh well, you can't really have everything you want. For me, true love does wait. You don't have to go around begging for it. It will come to you. Be patient because fate is preparing your soulmate, special someone, your other half, whatever you wanna call it.

Just wait.